under defined human instinct...

All along myself I was wandering and landed up into a state of undiscovered world, where I found people just performing the part of socialization, I remember suddenly what Marx said, “isolation is also a part of socialization”, keeping the view in mind I asked people out there on my laptop screen with a blue name to share the process of thoughts which encounters the reason for which I and may be they signed in too. Sitting all day along the screen made me realize the importance of an unknown name in my profile of friend list, I kept on searching and asking people to communicate and tried to develop a lasting bond with just those email-ids. Many at times names speak out and my friend list was up with requests, somewhere down the line sitting whole day I gathered the courage to sight a view of liberal ideological lust which was a profound factor working in those rooms. The best part was that you can skip them all with just starting your chat box by mentioning “decent chat, please!!”. Wondering factor was that many at times there were no replies and which made me inclined and anxious to try the phase of what actually was unseen and unpredictable, ‘s*x chat’. With the courage of being a man and active hormones never just helped me to develop the attire of chat box with lust.

Once for all it was never meant to be, being human and instinct to overcome the factor of loneliness I just stepped out of the reading room of that red library which was all my support factor to be consistently allowing me in for hours, I entered the phase with a natural instinct to overcome, started with the factor of s*x chat. It was on a real base quite difficult as a beginner but, you never need to learn it is the best of part of it. You just walk along with those email-ids and just need to send them a video call request which itself is a justification of what you are wanting the opposite to reciprocate, still I wonder that how is it possible to chat with an unknown and with just a name, certainty exists though justifying it as lameness. You can never imagine the very factor of Indian women being introvert or just surrounded by kitchen walls, they are developing and I m astonished the way they ask you earlier then you to just get nude.

Irony of all is nothing what is justified above rather the product of guilt which encounters me in my thoughts of cheating over with an unknown love identity, the feeling is at times to the saturation but, all is unavoidable. You cannot just step out of all just to prove yourself a preacher of geeta and becoming an immortal human with no lust factor. Sudden of all I tried to face my mirrored image and questioned what was actually happening along? Reply came with a single utterance of silent breeze and I understood it was more or less my feeble and weak lonely soul which prompts me to decide the above decisions without a thought that ending up will just make me sleep peacefully.

The whole conclusion at times makes me dicey of what actually I want and what actually happened, the realization was all uncertain guilt  but all after I was wet. I may not be exaggerating the phenomenon but, yes I m plotting down my confession to whom it may matter. Still I m signed in and still I m surrounded by the silent breeze. People here are still unknown but, yes it’s a bond rather an undefined version of socialization which has never been uprooted from any theory. Though I can rely upon Sigmund Freud’s theory at one corner of time but, rather I would like to place myself under what I rule myself- the self realization.

you me and i..!!

And all those days I just waited for you to just come over and meet me in that sunny afternoons, the day arrived and it was as if you were to just come with the taste of those sweet memories we shared and made them special with every now and then with our presence. Yes I missed you in all those winds of my balcony and the shredded leaves which blow with the wind and just leave mellow of them with a taste of yours in it. The days of this summer vacations which made me separated from every assent of your touch and the love and never lasting love which you showered with all those selfless aspects and made me feel special.

With all those memories when today I just try to put a string in them and carve them all in that thread which holds its one end in your hand land me up in the on these roads which were just travelled with an empty seat but, a haunted presence in my mind. The image was never this clear and now and today even your shadow plays a part in making me pass through that metro station. Yes it was just as if you came and all the way you spoke flawless as you always did and I was just staring and making myself believe that this lavazza is a mere reality and you share your part of presence in it and with me. After long we met and long you just talked and usual I just listened and left apart prejudice and just was lost in those talks, it was as if I was just wondering through those grassland just portrayed in that painting just at the right angle of my sight.

Though all those dusty days and sunny afternoons I paid a visit, awaiting you to come and meet me over that same table and make me realize your presence, now since we have met I often just wonder to that feeling and come over with the memories of you and me together and the seasons which left us undiscovered as there was no change in our relations. All the days I just relish and sudden I just stopped, I just rewind my thoughts and end up again over that coffee table slowly with the time and with the pace of your touch I come back to the moment where I just paused, this time I just tried to overcome and trace what exactly is wrong in that phase where I neglect mirror. It was then seen under that yellow light of metro where you and I stand in the corner near the door and all I could else see is a ‘me’ standing next to you and just wondering that the destined station to never arrive and all the way I could just travel along with you and your talks, sudden then I diverge and could hear the metro calling for your station stop and then I could just see a helpless man standing and allowing you to travel and diverge the routes and you just said goodbye and stepped out of the metro and then you were just vanished in that crowd and I tried to look from that mirrored window to trace your footprints on the platform and you weren’t seen and then my life was travelled over to next metro station.

As I moved on and tried to plot a set of new emotions in that particular phase I discovered myself just jumping out of that metro door and finding you nowhere I ran towards your platform and finds you standing in the queue and just take a deep breath and sudden I just pulled you out of that queue and did nothing for the next strike of five seconds and then just hugged you for no reason but, just for that moment I felt as if I m the most secure soul on this planet and relativity was as assumed.

In all these days whenever I tried to pen down these feeling all what I gain after doing this is just an expression of what makes my lips broader and wet eyes. Though you are being missed and will always be but, as the time teaches moving on I would always relish this and that phase which made us together and hope over the faith that it would never depart us. 

earnings...!!

dadda!! called that shabby guy with long hairs sitting the corner of that small room in those white pajamas and the black color vest, well there was no response as there was no one in that room and just that small ray of light coming from that window which opens in the shaft made him called that secure relation which was with the time flowing ahead of self. This Bengali term which states the idea of a elder brother was termed for the most secure relation which I formed in the period of one year,rahul, who always was just near to me either the space was that haunted corridors or the door just next to his lecture room, i.e 108.

 The period was so that I was moving from that room and the memories of all and one was just coming and going around those roads which I travelled whether it was the faculty of arts or the gardens of science faculty. The bond which started from the small slope under that so very trio neem tree which got infinite within a period of one year. The journey which began as a fresher was just going to end in a span and I was to welcome that new faces whom I was amongst one once and may be the relations he formed would just remain the same.

Though all it started was from the introduction which was more or less formal and may be would end up in the terms of informal but, on the lines and recognition of professionalism. In that class of 54 students I was the one who was amongst that group which was reckoned for the most love and care which I just expected from every societal relation but, the expected made me stand near the wall which was in the end never reflected. The part and parcel I was formed though but, the stances and changes made me depart from judging and I accepted myself.

Though the relation within all was just started from the image of that girl in white kurta and yellow salwar standing tall in that corridor where sunlight merely reached, yes ishleen I m talking about you, your essence of care was never more or less than that of my mother. In that metro city where I just came to form no relation and just stand alone with a self stand, your care and love made me realize that I was never aloof and you just tied me in all the chains which end up nowhere.

Yes the ending years even made us realize ourselves and our relational talks which just end up discussing nothing but a reliable relation and all those smiles in that balcony which you shared with me were priceless as I was and I m just unable to capture all those moments in this one paragraph but, trust me neha as I did on you that I would never end up missing you ever and hope not the expectation, as the hope is what is just persisting in those mellows of coke and ash tray left over with me that neither you would forget  me.

We just met over twice and the feeling was never judged to be genuine, it was just accepted the way it came and you were part of this lifestyle, though the bond got strong over time and time and your hugs got warmer and warmer. And with this ending year a never ending and to its end I realized a friend whose dictionary gave a new definition of love to me. It was just and always when the phone strikes its message tone and it was realized as it would be you aashish, the care and the love you bestowed over me would never be reciprocated by me. Though it was limitless but I measured it to the infinity.

Yes I know you are innocence and all it is what is needed in your part to make you special joyita. Nothing more or less but, all whenever I would think of you would be just to see you smiling in all and every part of this world where ever you stay, you are special.

Slowly and steadily walking I would just ask for your welfare now and then amar. Stay blessed and smiling.

It’s not what is just ending up in the few paragraphs above, after reading it may sound you funny but, all I had was to just shower this few words to make myself mirror in that sunny day to tell what I feel. I may not be many amongst one but, all I have dreamt always is just of being one amongst you, though I may never achieved parity but, all what I got was love and I never judged it and just accepted it and tried best to my end to nurture this wheel of time with my love and respect to one and every relation I formed with you all.

i never opted to quit...

Though it was dusty and the smell was pungent but, it was me and I always. Those withered and tangled fingers holding the breath of my every second just poked me to end to do the gesture of releasing those from the struggle of that airy and smoky filled into the pores of filter and that dry leaves of that nicotine. I just ignored and wasted a small piece of wood by burning it, though even some paper was burnt too but, the worth was realized.

Slowly I walked and standing over that bridge which just had one-way traffic, I just looked down and merely could see as it was all smoky and I just questioned, what lies beneath?

The replies were the realization, though abundant and tough to judge but, I do not form prejudice, I take it usual (way of life). The acceptance was the factor of that shabby and grey truth which entered in that chilly winter December**. Then I just blow harder to look more beneath, it didn’t work, I jumped and just lost to find the truth, all I had to do was to just take in all the smoke and go beyond and beyond and I just did the same.

In the end though I was full of smoke and tried but, what I found lying underneath was courage wrapped in that small red box*. I opted it and the usual was defined. It just gave me courage to fight and withstand all those evil relations which form part of the materialistic world.

It gave me a vision, a vision to look beyond the selfless and for the self. The vision might be blurred but, it was as if I was happy and accepted it as just I chose it for myself, just for the part that would be unjust to me to quit it.

Many and more it was me. Standing tall above all and it was just I. someday I just felt that it might be a dependency and I may not be real, then I realized that at least I was in myself and all the way moving strong. It seemed better to hold a non-materialistic thing to produce a productive past which at least has the ability to define and move with the time. No one would be responsible ever till the time one would replace the non-materialistic with a natural part and it is the eternity of love, which would just instigate and counter the smoky self.

I will just wait for over and over. I may not be a fool at-least for the mirror which speaks of me. I have helped myself as I never opted to quit.  

*the red box is the pack of cigarette.

**the month when i started smoking.

***this article is my reference to my idea of smoking.

wall with a reflection...

And it all started the way it was supposed to be, I went through those black corridors, those haunted grasslands were never sunny and green again, even today those flowers spread the aroma of those salty tears which fell upon them when I was hiding under their petals.

Even today this night has no stars and the moon isn’t full and I just lie down under the cloudy sky awaiting that wind to blow in the direction of the eternal happiness spreading across my soul and carrying away those thorns which were just pinched into the hollow creature of that smoky shell,

I just today even stand in that balcony awaiting that white lady’s hair to come near me and I would just touch it to check if the colorless creature in its shape reflects of my shades.

Under those shades still lies the shadow with the color of its own, the long stretched version of itself, which time and again moved ahead of me and just poked me to understand the reason of time moving ahead and I was just nowhere seen. The time flowed and I was just vanished, the leftover was just tangled in those chains which were either tied at my back or are with no locks, and the feeling was genuine that they emerged from within the womb.

when psycho( I ) question..?

Yes I m a human in the end, whose end is to be discovered. I question why I m so and the answer lies within ,which follows me and say that what I am, I may neglect at times of existence but at certain the facts rearrange themselves and speak of me. May be I am getting selfish to what I shouldn’t be but, I followed the time and it landed me into an illusion where I can view the mirror in front of me which just reflects the me and beyond me there is space in which I would have to just get myself settled as if there is to be just a wind which must flow to take me to that space. I may be selfish in the end of just thinking about myself and creating a space which is an escape but I m human in the end and thus I have an instinct which urges me to trace my end.

I may not be the desired hand you should be holding, I may not be the strongest shoulder you should be leaning upon, I may also not be the most expressive guy who would prove his depth to you, I may not love you the way many would do, I may also be weak, but you may also not be desirable to my love, you may also not have shown anything other than sympathy to me, you may also have the potential to change me into what you want as I may be ready to do so, you may be my shoulder, you may hold my hand and prove it to be strongest bond, I may be weak in what I am, but I guess my love is not. You made me think above self as you were my self, and I leaned to human in the end and started discovering my end.

And one day as if yesterday you said you are there beyond time and space and I just wondered where was my time flowing, where was the space in which you would be with me, whether you just want me to create or just want me to push into those scattered hours where I would be I and discover my ends, as of you are human in the end and urge me to be human in the end and discover my end.

You said you gave me birth and I have an everlasting bond with you, but why do I have to think before hugging you, why do the acceptance of me came as a shattered part of yours, why was the bliss of your care a benevolence to me, you make me think the way you want and reject the part of respect you should be paying to my ideology and thus rejecting me, though the absence of your womb haunts me, but it is as if you brought me out of it to discover my ends and gave me drive on to the path selfless self and I perceived that I m a human in the end and have to discover my end.

You always moved with me and never questioned, but put me into doubts of my distorted versions where I just left with question that why at times your silence just spoke of the gestures on me out of your part. It seems me to a materialistic relational aspect in which I perceived a give and take relation, though your love is immortal and my towards you is too, but is so that you too acted at times as of you are at a saturation of bearing me in being myself, you being generous and left me being human and just pledged to discover the so called end.

Who I am I? The question in itself satisfied my existence as the poke from the social part in which I include the mortal and immortal relations that taught me to be a human, a practical human. Who is meant to just question and discover the ends in which my existence lies, but I just plead to that if any such relation lies within my ends…
**its not all what many and almost all psychiatric patients bears from society and land up somewhere cages which tend to open for no love and only rejection**